Rachel's story of the Scottish rally

It’s been a wee while since my last update so I thought I would let you all know how things are going in the Rally2Raise camp after two more rounds of the Scottish Rally Championship.

Firstly, I best start with the sad news that Katherine has had to retire indefinitely as co-driver due to a dicky ticker. The past few months have been quite a challenge with Katherine getting poorly followed by myself catching glandular fever, from which I’m STILL feeling the fatigue.  Thankfully it only took two days to get over the Speyside Stages as opposed to a full week after the Scottish Rally. 

With Katherine and I falling ill at roughly the same time we had to decide whether or not to pull the entry for the Scottish, it was touch and go right up until the week before when I decided I was going to go for it due to a lady who had just passed away.  I had already drafted in Caroline Lodge to co-drive, always a risk when you’re frends with someone and get into a car together but it paid off!

Just before the Scottish we lost a very dear friend and one of the most selfless women I have ever met, Cath Simpson.  I had been chatting to her the week before and she knew it was coming but her attitude to it was something I had never seen before, good humoured and looking on the bright side.  Right till the last.  There was no question that Barry and I would attend her funeral, it just so happened it fell the day before the rally.  Our brief was to wear rally gear so we did.  The ceremony itself was one that suited her down to the ground.  I was doing well until her coffin appeared with her marshals tabard draped over it.  Motorsport in her veins that one!

It was because of  Cath that I wanted to get out and do the event and make sure she was represented in some way so, taking inspiration from her family, we acquired two marshals tabards and hung them up in the rear of the rally car, along with a sticker on the rear window.

With us at the funeral we were extremely grateful  to Colin and Craig Wallace who trailered the car down to Dumfries for us. Without them we wouldn’t have been able to attend the funeral or have had the energy to get down the road and back.  So thank you both!

We completed our pre-event formalities with no problems other than accidentally gatecrashing a photoshoot for the Armed Forces rally team! We then retired to our accommodation.  As everything was last minute Caroline stayed at her house which wasn’t too far away from Dumfries.  I stayed in a posh hotel with a jacuzzi! I’ve never had a jacuzzi in my room before so I made the most of it after completing the finishing touches on the car.  I could get used to that! 

The day of the rally dawned and I set off to meet Caroline at the Heathhall service area. Hampered by a faulty traffic light I found my way unaided! Feeling the usual nerves we left for the pre-start holding area and had the craic with the lads there waiting. 

We loved the start in the centre of Dumfries, it was very well attended and a great advert for the sport! We set off from the control and headed up to Ae for the first of two stages in the forests there. I realized quickly during the first stage that I would have to take it very easy.  I was pretty shattered but we were getting on very well in the car and enjoying it.  

Two stages down we headed for service, luckily there was nothing required on the car except a spanner check. Then we headed out to the last three stages.  I really enjoyed the spectator stage with the watersplash which was stage three,  loads of folk watching and taking photos showing the E.Watson and Son/BSW Ltd and Pirelli stickers on the front of the car!

By that point we had gained a crew to help.  I won’t embarrass them but they were two drivers in one car as opposed to the two co-drivers in our car.  So we thought it only fair to give them a hand on the road section by helping them with times and making sure they didn’t go wrong.  It was gutting to see them off in the penultimate stage. 

We made our way through the final two stages incident free, I think the only moment we had was a slight slide.  I was very glad to cross the flying finish, I have never felt that tired after an event.  I only had one wobble during the day that had me questioning whether I could continue and I soon got rid of that! Once again our Pirelli tyres were brilliant, thanks to AW Motorsport for their help supplying them.

We got to the finish in the centre of Dumfries and there were even more people stood watching including Steven McPherson from our sponsor McPherson Document Solutions. We had avoided results all day and hadn’t looked at our phones.  Sat in the queue waiting to go into the control we snuck a peek only to discover we’d won second in class and first female driver! There were more than two finishers in the class and more than one female driver started the event so it wasn’t a given.  Unfortunately, as we approached the finish line I was made to get out the car and face a bank of photographers!!! I can’t say I was looking my best and was holding the trophy which can only be described as slightly phallic!!  Ha ha ha!!  All joking aside it was an absolute honour to receive it, past recipients such as Louise Aitken-Walker have stood there so it only seemed right to dedicate it to Cath. And yes, she would have found the phallic element to it absolutely hilarious.



As the Scottish was also a round of the British Rally Championship I didn’t let the awareness raising side of Rally2Raise slip.  I made sure that we weren’t overlooked by the press or the increased number of spectators and higher ups.    We were spoken to by a number of journalists and lots of people asked about Rally2Raise and our two supported causes, the Nystagmus Network and Bottle Stop.

All in all the Scottish Rally wasn’t what we expected when we first made our 2013 plans but we adapted and now have a team with a new member which plays to everyone’s strengths... except mine.... I am not the best driver ha ha ha!!

So the Scotttish was done and we were ready to put the entry in for the Speyside Stages in Elgin. And our adventures there will be the next report!

Rach

Red hair, new tyres, cheeks and bridges - our Granite story

If there was one event Katherine and I were adamant we were doing this year it was the Granite.  What happened last year has been well documented but it is also my local event and very well supported so we wanted to be out there and thanks to support from E.Watson and Son, Pirelli (more on that in a minute), AW Motorsport, McPhersons Document Solutions, Charles Derby Ecosse, Halo Lettings, San Juan Services, Jim Reid, Clark Motorsport, Songasport and, our long term partner in crime, Motorsport Mugs we made it to the start line!

As this is the second year that Rally2Raise has been going we decided we needed a new angle to inspire people to donate.  In my wisdom one night I came up with the novel idea of Katherine and I doing things waaaay beyond our comfort zone.  The first, which I didn’t expect her to come on board with and was well prepared to go it alone, was to dye my blonde hair bright red the day before the rally.  I received a text from Katherine saying she’s in. And it was probably the best idea we had ever had in order to cope with the nerves leading up to the first event of 2013.  We booked the deed at GOSH on Justice Mill Lane in Aberdeen to happen on 19^th April at 10am. 

Prior to this we had to sort the car. There was the small matter of a hanging off exhaust poisoning who ever dared to sit in the car. This happened early on in the Saltire Classic rally but somehow I got to the finish (and home!) alive. The exhaust was sorted with ease by a lovely fellow from Clark Motorsport (my husband) and the car was brought home so I could de-sticker it as and when spare time arose leading up to the great weekend. 

Tyres were an issue we were struggling with as last season’s had served us very well but were now in need of replacement.  We didn’t have the budget to buy tyres outright so we put together a proposal and sent it to Ann and Andrew Wood at AW Motorsport.  The reply we received was beyond anything we ever expected, we had a full set of Pirelli tyres for the season!

As if the red hair wasn’t enough of an idea to draw attention to the cause, we came up with the novel idea of selling our bodies for sponsorship… namely our cheeks (the ones on our face!) on Ebay to the highest bidder.  This was won by Halo Lettings in Lancaster and they had a simple enough design for us to draw on the morning of the rally.  Katherine bought a waterproof sealant in case we smudged and we were then set up for the weekend to begin.

The morning of Friday 19^th April dawned and we got ourselves ready for our last few hours as blondes for a long long time.  We put our racesuits on as we were heading straight for the press day after the “reddening” and got in the rally car and headed off to the salon.

Upon arrival we were set up side by side and made to decide who was to go first.  Katherine of course.  Whilst I took photos and generally wound her up by saying I was off out the door.  Once she was redded it was my turn.  It was fine seeing it go on Katherine, it looked cool. On me it felt more shocking and very RED. We sat through our development time and larked about until it was time for washing out.  Wow! A massive difference! I was unsure about how I looked but it really suited Katherine.

Between leaving the salon and arriving at the press day we definitely raised awareness, rally car plus bright red hair caused a bit of a stir. We got to the press day and we were just in time for the arrival of the TV crew from STV who wanted to cover our plans for the event.  As people were using the test stage we managed to make a very convincing TV stage out of about 100 metres of track with photographer Gary on the corner ready to stop us should anyone come into sight in the distance. We pretended to do a bit of under bonnet stuff which required our very best acting skills as I didn’t want to touch anything.  However, I did find a screwdriver under there kindly left by my husband and quickly hidden from the camera man. I then did my best to stumble through an interview consisting of questions I didn’t expect and we went on to have some publicity photographs taken by Mr. Songasport. The day was absolutely flying by and loads to do!!

We sailed through scrutineering, possibly because Katherine distracted and flustered the scrutineer by having to show him the label on her racesuit which was tied around her waist.  The only issue was to put a piece of tape on the positive terminal of the battery.  A job I could easily forget about but I shared it, and everyone knows that if you share something it aids memory… or you can blame the other person if you forget.  Friday evening consisted of making lists.  There was only a few things left to do but one of the most important was dust proofing the interior as much as possible. We discovered the day before that at low speed the dust inside the car was at such a level as to give the same reaction as a cold - we spent all Friday night sniffing and blowing our noses!

The morning of the rally was an early start.  Our start time was 11:26 but we had to get up and apply our cheek logos.  I discovered, pretty quickly, that I was allergic to red pigment, which I found odd seeing as my hair was a fetching shade of red at the time.  So my logo was all black. Katherine’s was the proper deal.  I won’t mention the fact that one side was a mirror image of the other… oops!

We had a big breakfast (thank goodness given what was to come) and completed our last checks and headed out.  It’s very strange doing a rally from your own house, most events require being away in a hotel but you can’t beat your own bed to make you sleep well. Kind of.  Apparently I tossed and turned all night, I thought it was the dust breathing but it was probably the nerves.

We stopped for fuel, brimmed the tank and made our way to Duthie Park for the ceremonial start.  There were hardly any cars behind us on account of us asking to be almost last and the fact it was only our third full event.  This was where the nerves hit proper style.  We could barely speak to each other let alone the lovely crews that kept trying to speak to us.  In all my years as a competitor, approaching 15, I have to say that I have never felt nerves like that. And I’ve done Mull with a new driver!

We crossed the start line, gave Stevie Brown and everyone there a laugh and got on with the job in hand, namely getting to ss1.   We caught up the convoy of cars in front us, numbering about five doing around 50mph and figured there’s no point in flying past so we just sat behind them, arriving at the stage with 10 minutes to spare.  Of course by now I’d convinced myself the exhaust had fallen off again so I got out, had a look (‘twas fine) and then admired the view thinking I would just stay all day and do that.  I snapped out of it and got my gear on, immediately I realised the nerves I felt at Duthie Park were just a precursor.  This was now on another level, I have never understood before when people say they throw up with nerves, well, I do now, I was a second away from it.  If I hadn’t been distracted that car would have been covered in technicoloured yawn!  I noticed the rescue set up was identical to last year, while this worried me at history repeating itself, it also instilled a sense of relief as we know them and work with them. A strange conflict of emotions really.  We moved up to the start line and watched the previous car set off. Here we go….

We reiterated our plan, take it steady, chill out and slay the demons, if we go out it’s got to be mechanical.  5, oh god, 4, bleurgh, 3, arrrggghhhh, 2, breathe, 1…. Lets do this…… Immediately it was calm.  I know I have to relax when I drive so I can anticipate what the little bugger is going to do as she can be a skitey wee thing.  Things felt good, the grip was amazing, I just went with what felt right and to top it all, I was enjoying it! Katherine got herself in a fluster over getting lost on the notes….. on only her 3^rd event…. and I’ve tried to explain to her that what she has over other new co-drivers, and it is a rare skill, is that she can find her place very quickly after being lost.  She should be very proud of herself on that one! Anyway, we were getting through the stage and I’m thinking to myself, I need a 2.5 gear here.  2nd is too much revs and 3rd bogs down too much. Forget 4^th, unless you have the high speed already but there is never anywhere to get that.  I looked down at one point and we were doing over 75 in 3^rd which ain’t bad for the old bird (the car not me).  I have to admit however that when we arrived at the massive spectator area I backed right off, a resonance from last year that I doubt will ever leave completely, I can live with that. When the flying finish boards appeared, as you can probably appreciate, we were ecstatic! And to top it off, the dust hadn’t come in.... yet.  That was to change on the slow road section at 15 mph.  It felt like we were inhaling glass shards so when we met my hubby on the road section and he handed us a bottle of water each we were eternally grateful! 

We arrived at ss2 in the nick of time and prepared ourselves, this time there were no nerves and we were eager to get going but I had a sudden thought, had my Halo Lettings logo smudged? To say I was sweating would be the biggest understatement of the century, I must have been working hard! Shockingly no, it was intact! As was Katherine’s.  Bonus!  After a lovely strawberry off Keith Cowan we were off again.  Another cracking stage, we were starting to feel it coming together and really enjoying it! The new tyres were absolutely spot on and I think that was what was giving me the confidence to push a little bit more.  Towards the end of the stage during a particular tight and twisty bit I felt what I thought was the engine cut out. This can happen in the Micra if the lead to engine cut off falls behind the footrest and the passenger presses on it.  Katherine’s feet were nowhere near it though, we had hit the rev limiter and that has never happened before.  We were always tentative and steady even on straight sections, never for a minute did I realise we had gained that much! Still, we weren’t giving it everything we had, we were being as careful as we could and gaining confidence all the time.  As far as we were concerned, we were last by a long way.  After all, our car has the lowest power in any event we do, even a lot of the 1 litre Junior cars are packing more bhp than our wee beast.

After a short road section with dust coming in at us again we arrived at ss3.  Chatting away about what we need to do in service “should we get there” we awaited our start time.  As we sat on the line I tried to visualize a line outside of the huge ruts created by the previous cars so we didn’t get bogged down.  No chance.  At the end of our count down we must have wasted about 30 seconds trying to get forward motion over the hill!  We were asked to look out for a car so every car we saw we had a good look at.  There were a lot but none were the customer we required.  All was going swimmingly until a square left over bridge.  Because the big corner was prior to the bridge we had scrubbed off the speed (something I hate doing as it takes way too long to build it back up again) and thought we were on course to not even notice it.  As the front wheels hit the concrete they gave way and slid sideways so I put the power down to try and correct it, this slightly stepped the back end out causing the near side rear to literally kiss the curb.  Katherine shouts “well held” but I didn’t hold anything, that dunt put us back in line.  We continued through the stage, avoiding the dead cars everywhere and struggling to keep the back end from trying to overtake on the left side.  I couldn’t quite figure out the problem, I knew it wasn’t a puncture but it definitely didn’t feel the same as before.  We carried on and got to the end, set off out the forest at which point Katherine said she could smell burning rubber.  I stopped, got out and ran round to her side only to find there was an epic negative camber on the rear where we hit the bridge.  “I think it might be game over” says I but we quickly gave Barry a call anyway to find out where he was.  End of the road thank goodness! He took one look underneath and confirmed our fears.  Jobs knackered.  Bent the rear beam and with no spares and no way of getting back to service we had to retire.  Gutted. 

While we sorted out trailering the car back to rally HQ (thank you John Morrison for the loan of your trailer) we thought we’d take a look at our times and how far down we were.  When I couldn’t find us at the bottom I assumed that because we’d retired we wouldn’t be in the results for the stages we’d completed.  No, I was looking in the wrong place, we were so far up the leaderboard (for us) that I had to double check our times, which were correct.  We were absolutely made up at that, we had exceeded what we had planned time wise and we felt like we were holding back in order to ease back into it.  We must have been the happiest people at not finishing a rally ever.

We left the car looking sorry for itself in it’s house and went for the post event party in Aberdeen.  A fantastic night (by all accounts) lots of dancing and a man on the bongos.

The rally has, however, thrown up a problem, one which we knew existed but didn’t acknowledge due to knowing we wouldn’t have any pace what so ever, we need to try to trailer the car to events further afield.  However, I don’t have a trailer licence and unfortunately, due to childcare, Barry and I struggle to attend events together. So if anyone has any suggestions, maybe a sponsorship proposal, we’re all ears!       

We’ll be back out on the Scottish in June so see you there!

Rachel

Rally2Raise: The project continues!

After the highs and lows of 2012 we decided to have a conversation about whether to continue in 2013 and, if so, how and where and, finally, who the beneficiaries would be.

It didn’t take long to decide to continue. It was a no brainer but we needed to plan how it would be possible given that we aren’t rich and there’s always too much month left at the end of the money.  We needed sponsors.  We decided what we could afford ourselves and what we would need to cover. Fuel, accommodation, parts etc could be provided from our own pockets but we’d need help with entry fees and tyres. A plan was made to try and attract sponsorship. More of that later!

Next we had to plan what events to do. We decided that we would stay with the Scottish Rally Championship and aim to compete in five events. We wanted to support the clubs who helped us last year where possible so, as it was too late to enter the Snowman rally, we decided that the first event would be the Granite (to be featured in the next blog – stay tuned!). The plan after the Granite, subject to getting a budget together, would be the Scottish, the Speyside Stages, the Merrick and McRae Stages.

Deciding on charities to support was actually very easy.  As most people are aware, the idea of Rally2Raise is using rallying to raise funds and awareness for the chosen charities by competing and getting the car seen in as many different places and in as many forms of media as possible.  2012 was very successful and £2,500 was raised but, as we supported four charities, the total was watered down somewhat by splitting in four ways. 2013 is to be the year we take “raising funds, raising awareness” literally and have one charity for fund raising and one for awareness raising which doesn’t necessarily require funds to be effective in its message.  We also wanted the charities to be small and not especially well known. 

The Nystagmus Network was chosen as the fund raising cause as Archie, Rachel’s son and Katherine’s Godson, has the nystagmus eye condition which normally renders most sufferers unable to drive.  Archie comes from a very motorsport orientated family on both his parents’ sides. He attended his first rally when he was 4 weeks old. The fact that he is unlikely to ever be allowed behind the wheel will be a huge blow when he’s old enough to understand.  The Nystagmus Network helps to fund research into the condition as well as assisting sufferers to live as normal a life as possible.  They offer information to everyone from schools to hospitals as well as anyone else interested in the condition.  For more information about anything to do with them please visit their website at www.nystagmusnet.org.

The Bottle Stop Campaign caught our eye as perfect for awareness raising.  It is trying to get glasses and glass bottles swapped for plastic ones after certain times in late night town centre pubs and clubs.  We had seen the campaign founder Jane’s story via mutual friends on Facebook and decided to look into it some more.   What we discovered saddened us as the story of how Bottle Stop came to be was revealed.  We realised we wanted to support Jane’s cause as she had shown tremendous courage in everything she has been through and is an example of true bravery.  Also, in our jobs, we regularly see the aftermath of people under the influence using glass bottles as weapons. When people get to a certain level of intoxication they wouldn’t care what they were drinking from and the more sober amongst them should understand the reasons for the swap.  There are people who consider themselves responsible and would never act in such a manner but all it takes is a moment and lives are ruined forever.  Again, more information can be found by visiting www.facebook.com/bottlestopnow.

So, we have our events and we have our charities and through some blooming hard work we managed to secure sponsorship from E. Watson and Son, Pirelli, Andrew Wood Motorport, McPhersons Document Solutions, Charles Derby Ecosse, Halo Lettings and San Juan Services in addition to the long standing support from Songasport, Clark Motorsport and Motorsport Mugs.  We still have a lot to raise to enable us to realise the aim of five SRC rounds but we’re quietly confident and have had a lot of interest. 

How do we intend on generating publicity and donations? Well, we have decided to not only challenge ourselves to the competitions themselves, we will also do something out of the ordinary before every event.  The Granite idea was to dye our normally blonde hair Rally2Raise red.  In doing so we have raised over £300! A massive thank you to everyone who has donated so far.  It will all be explained further in the Granite City Rally blog, coming to an internet site near you soon!

There we have it, the Rally2Raise plan for 2013.  We will, of course, be part of other events, such as running as course car on the excellent Saltire Classic Rally near Perth which we did in March. There will also be non-rally related appearances and events. We will also not be asking for donations for the sake of them, we will be earning them and, of course, running another raffle as last year’s was so popular - we already have some prizes donated!  However, if you wish to make a donation to the Nystagmus Network regardless of what we’re doing please visit www.justgiving.com/rally2raise.

We are eternally grateful to everyone who has donated previously, both this year and last, and we look forward to an even larger total at the end of 2013!

Rachel and Katherine

The lows and highs of rallying - Rally2Raise's 2012

2012 was a very mixed year for us, the lowest we could ever be followed by massive highs.  We learnt an awful lot along the way and made some lifelong friends.

The last blog was after the Saltire Classic rally and our next event was the Granite City. It’s been well documented what happened there and I won’t lie, it knocked the wind right out of our sails and made getting in the car again very hard. 

 

We were invited to perform course car duties at the Highland Car Club-run Stravaigers Lodge Gravel Sprint at Fort Augustus a month later and it did the world of good for one of us to get back in the car so that when the time came for a proper rally I could give Katherine a bit of confidence. 

A few months passed and with the Merrick Stages looming we realised we needed to get out together in the car on our own and see if we were ok driving non- competitively.  It was around this time we received a call from Quintin Milne et al about tagging along on a test day.  After a bit of persuasion we agreed and turned up at the unofficial Speyside shake down and prepared for our runs round by each having a recce with Andy Horne in the DAM 4100.  It possibly wasn’t the best idea as it put the fear of god into me and Katherine appeared back with a look that can only be described as terror? Enjoyment? No, terroyment.  Our turn to drive came and we set off, had a rather large moment and returned to the start.  It had been radioed back to the start and everyone knew so they made us go straight back in and after that we got faster and faster but more importantly, we got us some confidence.

We were to run as car 000 on the Speyside Stages, our car club’s award-winning event.  Although we were only to do the Cooper Park city centre stage and one of the gravel ones, Rosarie, we were more than happy with this as it gave us another chance to get out non-competitively with spectators around.  We didn’t have notes so we had a bit of a laugh on the Cooper Park stage with Katherine reading me passages from 50 Shades of Grey instead.  That stage needs to be longer as it was such good fun to drive! We then went round with our buckets collecting change and made a lot for the charities before heading out to Rosarie to have a laugh with the assembled officials who couldn’t figure out why 000 was there already.  What a fantastic stage that was, by the end of it we wanted to do more again which was testament to how much confidence it had given us.  A massive thanks to the 63 Car Club for allowing us the opportunity.  We’ll be back!

So then it was on to our first event proper since the Granite, the real thing, the Merrick.  Unfortunately due to my other half being at work, there was no access to a tow or service crew so I had to drive the rally car from Aberdeen to Newton Stewart.  A journey I can only describe as long.  The service crew of driver Dave Wright from Bentham offered to help us which was very kind of them, although, with the lack of spares and the drive home after, if anything happened it would be game over for us. 

We can only describe our day as awesome.  The elation at finishing our first event was unbelievable (although if you’ve seen the YouTube in car footage you may have some idea, sorry for the language).  We hung around at the prize giving as we weren’t heading home until the following day so wanted to support the event that had supported us.  Tucked in at the back we thought we were safe enjoying everyone else collect their awards.  It wasn’t until the “man of the rally” award was mentioned and they said it would be changed to “women” that we suddenly twigged… our mentality at driving the car from the North of Scotland, competing and then driving it home again hadn’t gone unnoticed.  So we gratefully received an award previously held by such greats as Colin McRae! A huge thank you to the Marshall family for all their generosity in helping us also.

We next went to perform “duties” at the Knockhill Festival of Speed.  I say “duties” as we basically had two days fun driving the circuit’s special stage with the Saltire Rally Club boys and girls and raising lots of charity awareness and quite a bit of funds for which we were extremely grateful. 

Our last official event of the year, and where we had a final push at fundraising, was the McRae Stages organised by Coltness Car Club.  We managed to sell a fair few raffle tickets by setting up in the signing on hall before the event after collecting some brilliant prizes from various sources. 

The rally itself was again fantastic. Errochty stood out for me as a fast and flowing stage, although there was one scary point on ss5 that obviously had some form of rally car magnet turned on as it was claiming cars by the dozen and causing carnage.  We made it past though, after a marshal slowed us down and we received ample warning from the start crews.  Unfortunately the rally car suffered damage on the penultimate stage after a rock kinked the fuel line and we went into the final stage feeling like we could go quicker if we ran.  And that’s saying something from the car with the lowest BHP on every event it does!  We coasted to the end and celebrated by heading across to Mull.  Again, a huge thanks to Coltness Car Club for all they did for us.

We ended the year having raised £2,500 for our chosen charities.  Thank you to EVERYONE who helped us and supported us. The incident at the start of the year really knocked us more than we can say, I think we could have raised more but we had to take things as they came for a while. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and you can’t change it, all you can do is learn and move on and be thankful for the positive things that arose from it.

Speaking of positive things, the next installment will be about this year and the new things we’re doing…stay tuned!

Rachel

Cones, slaloms and bouncy whites!

The Edradour Saltire Classic rally came up very fast after the Snowman rally and I was really looking forward to it!

We loaded the car and set off from Aberdeen on Saturday, arriving at Dunkeld in time for scrutineering and signing on. Sailing through these we headed off to peruse the maps and get our heads into rally mode.

Sunday morning dawned, a bit overcast but not as bad as predicted. We had a hearty full Scottish breakfast and went to get the car fuelled. Unfortunately the local garage didn't open until 9am, our leaving time for the first test! Luckily the organiser, Colin Wallace, assured me we'd manage the mileage to Pitlochry and six tests on the fuel we had. He was right!

What can I say about the tests? Well, test 1 was hilarious. Anyone who's driven a rally car before will know that lock to lock on the steering consists of about one turn. So a test involving manoeuvring round cones in small spaces would mean many, many shunts. Cue a clever comment from my future husband "wouldn't it be funny if I hadn't installed power steering?"…No Barry, it would be downright annoying! And heavy! Never the less, test 1 was brilliant, I loved every single shunt of it.

Test 2 was more like a special stage/hill climb. A steep ascent followed by a descent with cones either side of the road where you have to stop astride, or in my case pull a skiddy and stop with the cone at shoulder level… then giggle, thumbs up to the marshal, giggle again then set off. O-kaaaaay!

Test 3 was a muddy blast around a woodyard, unfortunately the event photographer came a cropper in there and broke his ankle quite badly in a fall. Hopefully he'll be on the mend soon!

Tests 4,5 and 6 happened in quick succession and were equally brilliant. Wiping the grin off my face was going to take some doing! I'd done many, many WD's (wrong directions) by this point, including adding in a reverse manoeuvre in our own interpretation of the test diagram. But we were having the best fun in a long time.

The next test followed a regularity section, of course we weren't sticking to that one so we could get to test 7 via the fuel station. The roads used for the regularity would have made a pretty cool stage themselves!

I made a hash of test 7 at the Edradour Distillery, being obsessed with a barrel I wasn't allowed to go around until lap 2. But we got round and I learnt a new direction... slalom. I like slalom. It means a quick wiggle on the steering wheel and managing to avoid whatever we're slaloming through. I didn't realise the Edradour Distillery was the smallest in Scotland, so not only did I learn how to slalom the car, I learnt that too!

After test 7 we headed towards Tummel Bridge and test 8. This was brilliant, a blast down a grassy lane, a handbrake turn round a cone and a blast back. I didn't even have to steer as the track pulled the car round on its own! A fact I shared with Mags and I don't think she was impressed.

The lunch halt followed test 9 which was in the running for my favourite. A blast around a caravan site. As we were first in we got to watch everyone else around the test once we’d finished. The only problem was that everyone then got to watch us being the first out on test 10 which used the same roads. I got a bit more confident and used the handbrake. Thankfully it didn't go wrong and we entertained the other competitors. Test 11 was a fun blast down a hill with two hairpins and then back up to the Loch Tummel road

Test 12, Dunalastair, was probably my second favourite of the day, it was a mini special stage and included a pretty cool old ruin to drive round. I really had fun on that one!!! Test 13 was a nice run up a farm track and it preceded a road section with the whitest white roads I had ever seen which I thoroughly enjoyed bouncing along. Luckily we had someone behind us to close the gates!

Test 14 was my out and out favourite. And I think it was many others too! It involved being flat out around a quarry and pulling handbrake turns around cones. Now, I swear down, and Mags will back me up, I pulled off one of the four perfectly. Of course there was no one there to see our Ken Block style triumph (Mag's words, not mine) so it will be forever consigned to my perfect turn memory banks.

Another trip to the Edradour Distillery followed and we aced it that time, then a regularity over yet more scenic roads. The last test was another visit to the wood yard then a short road section to the finish. I could easily have gone round again. It was definitely the most fun I've had on a rally for a long time.

A massive thank you has to go to Colin Wallace and all the officials of the rally, all marshals and of course everyone who donated to Rally2Raise. At last count we were told over £400 was raised, absolutely amazing!

I highly recommend this event to everyone and would love to return next year if they'll have us.

Pancreatic cancer

One of my main reasons for starting the Rally2Raise project was my 39 year old very good friend being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

As a medical professional knowing about this version of the disease I found it difficult to provide reassurance for both my own fiancé and the sufferer's close family and friends. After all, he had age on his side at 39.

As time has drawn on since the diagnosis, the news has come to me today that our pal is not well at all. We are sending every last bit of good wishes, love, hope and healing to him, if there is any justice in life he will make a full recovery. Come on lad, you’ve got a wedding to attend next November, be stronger than that dirty, indiscriminate disease. We love you very much, Rach, Barry and Archie.

Archie on a mission

Recently, thanks to Christmas being on the approach, we have had a lot of folks staying over to see Archie before Santa comes. What has struck me is the amount of people that have said his eye oscillation is in decline. How does that work? He seems no different to me but then again I see him every day and think, due to my PND neurosis, that it looks worse.

The eye doctors were very impressed with him when we last visited and I should latch onto that seeing as he doesn’t need glasses and is otherwise fit and well.

He's on a mission now to destroy everything in reach so I have a distinct feeling his vision is decidedly fine.

Before my next update please look at Nystagmus Network website - link over there >>

Thank you so much for supporting us!

Rachel

Katherine's emotional roller coaster - Part 5

Mull, vodka & another wait...

Realising that the next appointment was booked for when I was away on Mull I had to again delay it. The next appointment was made for the 19th October. One thing you'll have realised is that all my appointments are rebooked, anyone would think I have an active social life?! :)

The week before my appointment was to be both a holiday and work on the Mull rally, plus the launch of Rally2Raise. What better place to start than this hugely popular rally? It was a great launch, we raised a good amount of money and raised the profile of who we were and what we were trying to achieve. My daughter was actively involved ensuring that everything was just right and making lists of jobs to do. To say she was excited is an understatement.

Rachel and I were very impressed with how people responded to it all and offered to help the causes. It was also a great break away from all the worries for me. The vodka consumed was record breaking and the laughs and adventures that followed will stay with me for many years. I could probably write a book just on the escapades of that week. As has been told through our blogs we have faced many setbacks but always seem to come back stronger and more determined to overcome whatever is thrown at us next. But I digress. Mull was fab for many reasons and I was ready to face my next appointment, calmer and less emotional.

Thinking that it was just going to be another scan I again went on my own! Idiot!!! Mr Parmeshwar discussed that due to the results of the biopsy not necessarily being in keeping with what the scans were showing they may have to redo the biopsies! "Oh joy" but they wanted to do the mammogram and ultrasound scan first. It could be that the lump/mass wasn't going to be there this time as some just appear with menstrual cycles. Or if there was no change at all they might just leave well alone but keep "an eye" on it. As you can guess I was hoping that it had gone altogether. So off I went again for more scans and revisiting the waiting room. At least I knew the routine this time but really wish I'd asked someone to come with me. Plus I'd expected to be back home pretty quick so hadn't had my breakfast or a cup of tea!

The ultrasound again was the point at which I just felt in shock. The nurse performing the scan said "I'm sorry Katherine we're going to have to take some more biopsies." "Oh shit" is what I thought. So it had changed :(

A quick few texts to my nearest and dearest followed but I couldn't ask my dad to come through (although he did offer) cos he couldn't have come with me for the next part anyway. Sigh.

I had to wait for the biopsies because they were having to fix the X-ray machine, so I sat anxiously waiting to go back in. I was mostly anxious because the pain I got after the last ones had gone on for a good couple of weeks and I wasn't looking forward to experiencing that again. The same lady that performed them last time called me through and briefly explained what they were to do again minus the insertion of the metal tag. I just sighed in agreement with it all. It had to be done. "CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK" five biopsies taken. But because she wanted to be certain that she'd caught a sample of the mass she explained she was going to take some more! "Crikey"
"CLICK" "OUCH, Oooh that was a bit sore" - the local anaesthetic hadn't quite reached that bit. Another injection followed plus another three samples taken, so nine altogether!! "Wonderful" I just thought "this is gonna hurt". They are great people at the clinic like I've said all along I just didn't expect to be going through it all over again. I didn't need to see any of the medical team again, I was free to go once I'd made my appointment for the results. Can you guess what's coming next? Yup, it clashed with my first week in my new job and they couldn't change it to my day off. They only do result appointments on a Tuesday apparently. There was no way I was going to miss a day at work on my first week for my results. It was intense enough as it was. So I made it for the following week, which gave me time to swap my day off. Phew!!

Now I was free to go for a cup of tea. A quick text to my mate Mat who works in day care theatres followed and off I went for a well deserved cup of tea with some of my old work colleagues :)

Katherine's emotional roller coaster - Part 4

The Long Wait...

I can't quite remember what day I received the phone call but having a missed call on my phone from the breast clinic was a scary thing. I phoned them back feeling quite shaky. Fortunately (or not) it was just a call to say there had been such a large number of samples to be tested and there was going to be a delay as to when my results were through. It would be another week.

A few thoughts went through my head, I'm not going to have to face an interview with the thought I'd be picking my results up afterwards (the Blackpool interview). I wouldn't have to face an interview knowing my results (the Lancaster one). But also, that I couldn't make the next result appointment because I was going on my long awaited and deserved holiday with my daughter on Thursday. I'd already had to delay my holiday because of the Lancaster interview, I wasn't going to be able to delay it again. "Oh for f**ks sake" I thought, the frustration was so overpowering. I explained to the lady on the phone that I would be away and so the results appointment was made for when I returned. They couldn't relay the results over the phone so I had to wait. 30th August!! Oh well, at least I was going to be away in Scotland spending time with my daughter, Rachel & gorgeous Godson Archie. Then later my Dad and Pam were coming up too :)

It was during this time that Rachel was developing the concept of what is now known as Rally2Raise. Plans were being formulated and contacts being made, it was a great way of gaining perspective in my life and having, along with my holiday, another focus. Plus of course I knew I'd got the job as an ODP at Blackpool Victoria Hospital! Wahooooooooooo!

On my hols now, the days passed by and I can honestly say I hardly thought about the results. Quite a contrast to the days previously when sleep was sparse and thoughts were frantic and extremely depressive. The holiday was undeniably the best medicine in coping with things.

30th August came and off I went with Dad to meet Caroline the Macmillan Breast care nurse at the breast clinic for my results. She was lovely, the result showed it as normal breast tissue (??), no malignancy. A huge relief for my Dad, and although, yes it was for me too, I still wanted to know what it was and questioned in my head whether they actually got the sample they needed. Seeing as how the lump was so small they might have missed it?

They wanted to monitor the lump and so I had another appointment made for four weeks time. They had to allow time for all the bruising and swelling to go before they could scan it again. They were looking for any growth or change in the lump. I just wanted it out......

Katherine's emotional roller coaster - Part 3

Tick Tock....

After my appointment I went back to work with Ashia to see Pauline and try and explain all that had gone on. I was mentally exhausted and the big hug I got from Pauline was a great comfort to be honest. Again, reassurance came that all would be ok regardless of the result. I was sent home, sore and dazed but as it was my last ever day as a student ODP at Lancaster the next day she asked me to come in just so I could say my goodbyes etc.

I went home to a very quiet house that afternoon, my daughter was away on her holidays with her dad. I just felt so lost and not looking forward to telling my dad about the appointment and consequently what had been found. He was at work until 6pm so I thought I'd go round and see him at 7. Time has never gone so slowly and I just wound myself up with the stupid thoughts of "what if?" over and over.

I phoned my daughter and tried to be as normal as possible (extremely hard for me I can assure you at the best of times!). She was excited about all the things she'd been up to that day and the upcoming events at the clubhouse that evening. I felt so sad inside for what Bethany might actually have to try and comprehend when the results were through. She is an extremely bright little girl and knows way too much about "sad stuff" for an 8 year old already that I decided I wasn't going to tell her anything until I had to. Her worst nightmares and dreams have been about losing me or her dad so why would I tell her about this when I had no answers? With that in mind it was best that I kept those who knew to a minimum as well as I really didn't have anything to tell did I?

Now to tell my dad! OH GOD! I felt so sick. As soon as I walked through their door I know they (my dad and step mum, Pam) knew something was up. I can't remember what I said I just know it came out more as a wail then the calm manner I'd envisaged and planned. Damn it! I'm way too emotional sometimes. More hugs followed and the telling off for not phoning him at work! Also, what shocked me most was how calm he was. It was definitely what I needed, my brain was just in overdrive and needed this calmness to make me see that all was fine. We would face whatever happened as a family and I would be supported throughout. At times I do try and face things on my own, I'm extremely stubborn and too independent for my own good. It's normally the wrong times too. A sense of relief washed over me and knew my next hurdle was just getting to results day without spontaneously combusting.

My last day as a student had arrived, a day that I'd been looking forward to for the last 4 years had come at last. What was supposed to be a day of celebrating achievement and an end to the stresses of "studentdom" had been marred by this bloody lump! Luckily as it was my last day those at work probably thought the tears that kept welling up in my eyes were due to the fact it was my last day and that the only four students on the course not to have got a job before qualifying was us four at Lancaster. It was quite a good shield to hide behind as it meant I didn't have to explain to everyone what was up. The truth is I just wanted to go home and be away from everyone, it's how I normally deal with events in my life. I hadn't slept all night, I was extremely sore and couldn't stop thinking about the worse case scenario. I followed Ashia around all day, she was like my comfort blanket. I really didn't care what anyone thought about that either. Like I've said before, she is great at distraction and helped me smile and giggle. I just hoped I hadn't spoilt her last day by being an emotional pain in the butt. I don't think I'll forget the last goodbye in Recovery when all four of us (I did tell my uni mates about the lump) and Pauline said our last goodbyes because we just all started crying. What a day!!

Tuesday was to be result day, only 6 days to go! Or so I thought!!

So how did Rally2Raise come about? Rachel tells us!

I've been asked quite a lot recently about how the Rally2Raise concept came about, well, sit back, get a cuppa and I'll tell you a little story...

As you're hopefully aware by now we are raising money for three charities, nystagmus, cancer research and multiple sclerosis (MS). At the Scottish rally in "summer" 2011 I discovered that a good friend of Barry and myself had pancreatic cancer. It was a bit of a shock as he's very young and works outdoors in a profession that keeps him physically fit.

On the very long truck journey from Dumfries to home near Aberdeen I started to think. I couldn't use my medical skills to help, except offer general advice as a friend and I hated that feeling. I remember that Jemma Bellingham and myself did a very successful campaign in 2007 to raise money for cancer research so I considered doing the exact same again but figured so many people followed suit that the rally family would probably be bored of that now. As I sat looking out of the window I started to form a plan. What am I good at? Baking, being loud, laughing, speaking to folk... How about making it a year long campaign with a logo and loads of events but not just in aid of cancer research?

I had an idea of a two car team, one with a novice driver (me) with a co-driver who's never even sat in a rally car and knows nothing about it. The other an experienced driver with a celebrity co-driver. Again, inexperienced probably. The plan being to work towards competing on the Scottish rally in 2012. Now, the first part is happening, I have a rally car and Katherine Begg, rally novice, is co-driving. The celeb co-driver is actually under discussion, along with the experienced FEMALE driver. Watch this space!

When I approached Katherine with the idea I had only decided on cancer research and needed inspiration so she suggested the MS Society as her mum had passed away far too young from the condition, that was a no brainer, absolutely yes!

My baby had recently been diagnosed with nystagmus so I looked into charities and discovered the brilliant Nystagmus Network. A very worthy cause, helping the sufferers of this often debilitating condition, although my son’s does not require glasses, it can be so bad that people are registered blind. Most sufferers never drive. The eyes move involuntarily from side to side, up and down and it can be caused by a number of things such as injury, disease and idiopathic nystagmus which basically means they have no clue how it started but there’s no sinister reason for it. My son will be monitored until he stops developing, he has been through many tests and thankfully he has idiopathic nystagmus. I want to raise money to not only help sufferers but allow more research to be done as there have been very few advances in treatment since my dad was diagnosed with the condition as a child.

The postnatal depression awareness part of Rally2Raise is to help erase the stigma attached to it and help women realise they're not a failure, it's very common, more common than is known. It's the same as any disease that needs simple treatment to be cured. And it most certainly can be cured. I suffered quite badly after my son arrived in the world and made the decision immediately to let everyone know. I wasn't ashamed, it wasn't a dirty secret, my hormones were all over the place and all I had to do to cure it was take one pill per day. Ok, at first I felt a bit shattered but the improvement was more or less immediate, although it can take up to two weeks to work. Health visitors are there to help, hiding it won't do ladies any favours - that can lead to future issues that could take longer to sort out. I felt unable to cope at first but now realise this was the "depression".

I do think if the name was changed to postnatal syndrome or similar then the stigma would be eradicated. Unfortunately, despite a lot of searching, we were unable to find a national charity to support but, I didn't want to leave it out as I think if we can help just one person realise they have it and they're not on their own and see their GP, we've done our job.

So there you go, that’s the reason for Rally2Raise. Please support us!

Nystagmus - what is it?

Nystagmus is an involuntary movement of the eyes which often seriously reduces vision. Few people with nystagmus can drive and most encounter some difficulties in every day life, education and employment.

I was unaware that I had a family history of nystagmus. I knew my dad had poor eyesight and that his eyes moved a bit but, as I'd grown up with it, to me it was completely normal. Ok, my dad couldn't drive because of it but again, because I grew up with it, I never gave it any thought.

After my son was born and we got his reflux under control we settled down to family life. I began to notice Archie's eyes moving around at about four weeks but, thinking he was just very inquisitive, I left it. Then folk started to point it out and ask if it was normal, well, now you come to mention it I'm not sure. Away I went to Google and read about nystagmus, still not making the connection to my dad. We made an immediate doctor’s appointment and unfortunately, although the doctor had heard of the condition, she was clueless as to how to proceed and even asked what I'd discovered on Google!

We were made to leave the room while she called the hospital to speak to a specialist. This was making me very nervous indeed as, being in the medical profession myself, I know this means they're quite worried. We were called back in and informed we'd be seeing a consultant at the children’s hospital within three weeks. She couldn't answer any of my questions so I went home and informed my family via text message as I didn't want to speak to anyone. It was now that my dad called and told me about his condition. I was totally shocked but relieved as he lives a perfectly normal life and you wouldn't know he had it. Although, now knowing this was the reason my dad couldn't drive, I looked into it again and discovered that a high percentage of sufferers cannot drive. Coming from a family that is heavily into motorsport and having a dad that was a professional rally driver and world champion I thought this may hit Archie very hard when he grows up so I made the decision there and then to tell him from an early age should that be the case.

At our first appointment we saw the consultant and he immediately asked if he could video the eye oscillation as they don't see that many babies with such a pronounced movement. I agreed. As soon as the camera came out Archie started smiling and it broke my heart as he was unaware of what it was for. He had an eye drop test and a whole lot of others that I can’t remember but the general consensus was that he would have to undergo a MRI scan to check there was nothing sinister going on in his brain. I immediately knew from my work that this would require a general anaesthetic. Not my ideal situation but if it meant getting a diagnosis and possibly a treatment I would cope. He was also to have a light test to determine the wiring of his retina to the brain.

The day of the light test we went in and I was, as usual, anxious with Archie taking it all in his stride. We were straight into the room and I sat on a chair with him on my knee while electrodes were attached to his head. They don't deliver a shock by the way, they just measure the brain waves. He loved the wires hanging off them so I had to keep him occupied so he didn't wreck them. Then the lights came on and he was in awe! He loves lights, so much so that he tried to pull the lamp closer to him and broke it, yes my baby is freakishly strong! At the end of the test the lady conducting them said all was normal. Excellent!

Next test was the dreaded MRI. We arrived in the morning with a starved child, not fun. We stuck him in the cot provided and proceeded to entertain him to keep his mind off the rumbly tummy. He loved the attention. I found out we were first on the list with him being the youngest and we were sent for on time. We made our way down the twisting maze to the MRI anaesthetic room and I discovered I wasn't as anxious as I expected. Upon entering the room the anaesthetist wasted no time, gave him the oxygen and gassed him down with no messing, I couldn't help but laugh as Archie tried to eat the anaesthetic tubing. Hungry boy! My other half, Barry, was very obviously shocked I didn't come out in tears, as was I as I fully expected it. We had time for lunch then returned to pick him up. He didn't cry, he just went straight back to sleep then devoured a bottle and a full jar of mango when we got back to the ward. We were allowed home pretty fast.

We heard nothing for ages from the hospital but were assured that if there was anything untoward they would have picked it up immediately. So I continued with the visual stimulation and discovered there is nothing wrong with his eyesight as I can't leave the room for a second without him chasing after me like a greyhound. We recently had another appointment with an orthoptist. I didn't fully understand why but he explained all about the tests and findings and we were very happy to discover that he doesn't need glasses, his vision is very good, his tests were all normal and there is no reason at the moment why, he couldn't drive one day. Over the moon doesn't cover it, although I'm only cautiously optimistic about the driving, I understand this is a condition which is very hard to gauge in babies.

I feel we need to raise awareness of the condition as most folk don't know what it is and even the professionals that do don't fully understand it therefore advances over the years from when my dad was diagnosed have been few and far between.

The condition does not affect personality, let me tell you, anyone that knows Archie will tell you that he is very happy, very outgoing and loves to be the centre of attention... long may it continue!

For more information on nystagmus please visit www.nystagmusnet.org.

Dealing with postnatal depression - Rachel's story

After a very painful pregnancy my water broke at 5am at the very start of my 37th week. Of course it broke in bed, which I can say beyond all reasonable doubt, is a very soggy experience.

We made our way to hospital and our gorgeous 6lb 11oz boy, Archie, was born at 10.10pm by semi-emergency c-section. I was in awe, to be honest I didn't feel the overwhelming love at first, I felt like me but with a new person in my life. I couldn't take my eyes off him, I couldn't believe he came out of me and was convinced he couldn't fit back in there. Once we'd been in recovery for a few hours myself and Archie went up to the ward as the spinal anaesthetic had worn off sufficiently for the staff to assess my pain levels which were fine. Barry, my other half, came with us to see where we were going then it was lights out and me and baby left alone. What the hell do I do with this child?? If he cries I'm not allowed out of bed, then I need to figure out why he's crying.... how the hell do I change a nappy and how the hell am I producing food for him out of my less than ample bosom?

We made it through the first night intact. I had my breakfast and Archie had his, although breast feeding was starting to hurt a LOT and he never seemed full. I asked for help and the staff were fantastic with me but the ward was so busy they were limited with the time they could spend helping me. It's about now that I realised things were changing, I pulled the curtains round my bed as I didn't want to interact with folk. Anyone that knows me knows I love a bit of banter and to chat. Barry arrived and took charge of the nappies and cuddles and I was de-catheterised and despatched to the shower. Whilst I was in there a lady arrived to test Archie's hearing. When I came out I felt my first pangs of anxiety like I had never felt before, she couldn't conduct the test as he was hungry and kicking off, I was convinced he was deaf. What’s that about?

The next day things got really bad, my love for this baby was overwhelming and my mind was trying to tell me this was irrational as I'd only known him two days. The paediatrician came round to see him and asked me a perfectly innocuous question. Then the tears came. And I couldn't stop them nor could I understand why they were falling. I am not an emotional person, I am normally the one who, in awful medical situations, provides support and philosophical reasoning to colleagues, so this was alien to me. Thankfully the staff were used to this, told me it was the baby blues and didn't acknowledge it, which is the best thing they could have done. If they were nice to me I don't know what I would have done. It was my birthday too and I was slightly upset that no one noticed but Archie was the most important person in the world and it was something I would have to get used to!

Day 3 arrived and I was expecting to go home. Barry arrived, I came out the shower and made a joke that Archie was looking remarkably tanned. Then something in my (currently dormant) medical brain triggered - jaundice. I immediately got a midwife and she agreed, then took him off for a blood test, I couldn't handle seeing my baby boy bleeding and crying so Barry helped and I had a walk. When the results came back it was indeed jaundice and I was moved to a window bed to give him light to help combat it.

It didn't work, his billiruben levels got so high he had to go under the UV lamps in nothing but a nappy. We were moved again to a room on our own which was nice but didn't help how I was feeling. I was associating jaundice with the adult form and was convinced he was not long for this world. I was failing at breast feeding and if he wasn't on the breast I had to be on the milking machine. I felt like a dairy cow! After one very bad night I decided to quit breast feeding him, he'd had the collostrum and I couldn't cope, I wanted him to get well and that meant being under the lights as much as possible, feeding meant coming out. I felt so guilty stopping but as soon as he started on the bottle he became a lot more settled.

We got good news on our 7th day in hospital, Archie's levels had come right down and he was able to go home! I was terrified. I couldn't look after him on my own. I was constantly crying, constantly anxious and having some thoughts that I was trying to ignore.

After struggling through Barry returning to work, a diagnosis of reflux in Archie and two trips to the emergency doctors, I felt that I could try a night out with my best pal Katherine and Fiona. I didn't want a rowdy one but we had a good laugh and I called a halt to the night very early.

The next day things came to a head. I admitted to myself and Barry that I wasn't right, I was so anxious, watching Archie all the time, waking up all night trying to hear him breathing. I was terrified of cot death, couldn't watch or read anything with babies in danger, I had a strange phobia of the stairs and had to sit down coming down them with the baby and perhaps worst of all, I was having 'visions' of him getting leukaemia when he’s older and actually going through the grief. I was crying all day to the extent my eyes were red and swollen and I couldn't go out. I told my health visitor and was referred straight to my GP that day. He was wonderful. He made me explain everything despite me not being able to speak through tears and then made me fill in a questionnaire which I scored significantly high on. I was put on Citalopram, a drug that helps make you feel better. He said it would take two weeks to work but within two days I was tear free and feeling more like me again, I found I could cope with Archie better and was beginning to have a laugh again.

Since then I have returned twice, the first time I was slipping back down into the black hole again and had my dose increased. The second time I was out walking with Archie and became convinced every car had a gunman in it and was planning on jumping on the pram the next time a car came along. I knew this was very wrong, I knew it stemmed from treating victims of the Cumbrian gunman a year before but I still don't know why it set off like that. It was now that my dose was increased to the maximum and I have since felt perfect, except when I forgot my pills for five days and was wondering why I was having dark thoughts again. Numpty that I am!

I will now keep a weekly blog about living with it as the time is drawing nearer that I will be weaned off the pills and I'm not looking forward to it to be honest.

Katherine's emotional roller coaster - Part 2

If you don't like needles, look away now!

*plot spoiler, there are no pics :)

Having found and examined the lump under ultrasound the next stage is to try and aspirate or drain the lump to see whether it is a cyst. This involves an injection of local anaesthetic to numb the area before another needle is inserted like I say to try and drain any fluid. By now I'd switched off to most things that were happening and instead was kicking myself for not having anyone with me. I hadn't told my dad as I hadn't expected any of this to happen. But now as much as I wanted him there I didn't want to have to tell him about the lump. As a family we've been through so much "crap" together. Losing loved ones way before their time. I wasn't thinking so much "why me" but that that poor man, my dad, shouldn't have to go through this kind of thing again. Yes I know it all seems a bit premature seen as how I had no clue what was going to be found. But believe me when I say that it was one of the most intense moments in my life. I couldn't calm myself down, the nurse who assisted the Dr. again was so patient and reassuring. They are a great team at the RLI.

The lump wasn't a cyst. God damn it! As this lump wasn't expected by any of the team members, before anything else was done I had to wait to see one of the medical team. In this case it was Dr Law. I was to go back to a waiting area again before I could see her. The nurse asked if I wanted to phone someone to come and be with me. My heart wanted so badly to phone my dad but I just couldn't do that yet. Plus he was working and I didn't want to tell him this at work (he works at RLI and yes he has told me off for being so daft). My best mate Rachel lives in Aberdeen so obviously not an option. I texted and phoned my mate Ashia who was working in theatre and also Pauline to tell her what was going on. Again I was sobbing so much. In the meantime the great British cure all, a cup of tea had materialised before me. I don't think I drank any of it though.

Thoughts swirled and raced round my head, "what if?" "how am I going to tell my dad?" even worse "how am I going to tell my daughter?" I was just emotionally drained and know that although these thoughts are only natural given the circumstances, it really was a bit too early to think like that. Having looked more into it I'm more aware of the fact most breast lumps are benign and it is only a teeny fraction that are found to be malignant.

My voice of reason (Ashia) had arrived and texted me to say she was in reception. To be fair it's all a blur as to what I & she said initially but she managed to calm me down and tried to make me think about all the positives regardless of results. Rachel was also texting me to reassure me and give me a reality check & "kick up the bum". Just what I needed.

Ashia came in with me to speak to Dr Law, she asked about the reason for my appointment and explained more about what had been seen first on the mammogram and then at the ultrasound scan. The lump was teeny, it couldn't be felt with a physical breast examination but due to its irregularity in shape she felt that I should have biopsies taken to rule out anything "sinister"! Ouch!!

I knew this was gonna be sore as by now after all the prodding and needle aspiration I was a bit tender already.
Off we traipsed back to the waiting area. Sigh!

I was knackered. I know by this time it was 11 o'clock (2 hours I'd been there now, cripes!!) the fire alarm tests made me and Ashia jump and then laugh. A sense of normality at last showing its face. Ashia received a text to say "a letter from Blackpool Victoria Hospital had been delivered that morning". As an added stresser to both our lives we were chasing jobs as we were finishing our University placements and, more importantly, our course the next day!! Geesh, this really had all happened at the wrong time for me. Ashia had been given an interview date for the following Tuesday, although fantastic I just thought (as I had applied too) how the hell am I gonna get through that interview amd I hope the results appointment doesn't clash with my interview time. Plus I had an interview at RLI theatres on the Thursday after result day so again I thought what if it's bad news and then I've to try and attend an interview with that on my mind. Obviously it could be great news and I'd be on top form for that joyous task?! Ha!!
My heart was racing now with the newly added tension.

Ashia again was great at distraction, she could have a job of it she's that good! Seriously! In no time at all she had me giggling away.

Another lady called my name and off I went to face the dreaded biopsy. Unfortunately I was to face this part alone. She explained what to expect and what the procedure entailed. They would also be placing a small metal marker clip next to the lump to enable them to find it under X-ray and scans if necessary in the future. Out came the boobs (again) and by now all embarrassment had been lost and I just listened to instructions given to me. I was to lay on my side whilst my right breast was "squashed" a la mammogram stylee in the X-ray machine. More local anaesthetic was injected and the exact point for the biopsy to be taken was marked. They prepared me for the CLICK noise that the biopsy needle makes as a sample is taken (5 samples are taken altogether). CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK. The local anaesthetic worked a treat and I felt nothing at all. PHEW. At the end of the procedure I talked to the nurse and had explained that I might have an interview on the results day. She was great about it and told me not to worry just to phone once I knew and that they'd sort it for me. FAB. One less thing to think about. This was it the end of a very long and emotional appointment. Just the waiting game to play & decisions as to who I was gonna tell to be made......