Tick Tock....
After my appointment I went back to work with Ashia to see Pauline and try and explain all that had gone on. I was mentally exhausted and the big hug I got from Pauline was a great comfort to be honest. Again, reassurance came that all would be ok regardless of the result. I was sent home, sore and dazed but as it was my last ever day as a student ODP at Lancaster the next day she asked me to come in just so I could say my goodbyes etc.
I went home to a very quiet house that afternoon, my daughter was away on her holidays with her dad. I just felt so lost and not looking forward to telling my dad about the appointment and consequently what had been found. He was at work until 6pm so I thought I'd go round and see him at 7. Time has never gone so slowly and I just wound myself up with the stupid thoughts of "what if?" over and over.
I phoned my daughter and tried to be as normal as possible (extremely hard for me I can assure you at the best of times!). She was excited about all the things she'd been up to that day and the upcoming events at the clubhouse that evening. I felt so sad inside for what Bethany might actually have to try and comprehend when the results were through. She is an extremely bright little girl and knows way too much about "sad stuff" for an 8 year old already that I decided I wasn't going to tell her anything until I had to. Her worst nightmares and dreams have been about losing me or her dad so why would I tell her about this when I had no answers? With that in mind it was best that I kept those who knew to a minimum as well as I really didn't have anything to tell did I?
Now to tell my dad! OH GOD! I felt so sick. As soon as I walked through their door I know they (my dad and step mum, Pam) knew something was up. I can't remember what I said I just know it came out more as a wail then the calm manner I'd envisaged and planned. Damn it! I'm way too emotional sometimes. More hugs followed and the telling off for not phoning him at work! Also, what shocked me most was how calm he was. It was definitely what I needed, my brain was just in overdrive and needed this calmness to make me see that all was fine. We would face whatever happened as a family and I would be supported throughout. At times I do try and face things on my own, I'm extremely stubborn and too independent for my own good. It's normally the wrong times too. A sense of relief washed over me and knew my next hurdle was just getting to results day without spontaneously combusting.
My last day as a student had arrived, a day that I'd been looking forward to for the last 4 years had come at last. What was supposed to be a day of celebrating achievement and an end to the stresses of "studentdom" had been marred by this bloody lump! Luckily as it was my last day those at work probably thought the tears that kept welling up in my eyes were due to the fact it was my last day and that the only four students on the course not to have got a job before qualifying was us four at Lancaster. It was quite a good shield to hide behind as it meant I didn't have to explain to everyone what was up. The truth is I just wanted to go home and be away from everyone, it's how I normally deal with events in my life. I hadn't slept all night, I was extremely sore and couldn't stop thinking about the worse case scenario. I followed Ashia around all day, she was like my comfort blanket. I really didn't care what anyone thought about that either. Like I've said before, she is great at distraction and helped me smile and giggle. I just hoped I hadn't spoilt her last day by being an emotional pain in the butt. I don't think I'll forget the last goodbye in Recovery when all four of us (I did tell my uni mates about the lump) and Pauline said our last goodbyes because we just all started crying. What a day!!
Tuesday was to be result day, only 6 days to go! Or so I thought!!
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